Me: If I really want to improve my blog, I’m assuming, to begin with, I need great content.
MB: That’s a mistake the majority of bloggers make. If you put good content on a blog, what will visitors be interested in?… That’s right – the content. I don’t want visitors to be interested in the content. I want them to be interested in the overpriced, damn-near-unsaleable trash my affiliates are trying to peddle in the sidebar. Only by making the content so unfathomably useless and completely unreadable is it possible to give the ads their required elevated standing on the blog. One of the reasons I was interested in your blog was that the content is so tragically vacuous. You seem able to produce unreadable crap quite effortlessly, and that’s quite a talent in this game. The first thing bloggers should be saying after writing a piece, is: “Is this in any way readable?” If the answer is yes, it should be straight back to the drawing board.
Me: Thanks! Obviously there’s a lot of complete tripe on your blog too, but I wouldn’t describe it as unreadable.
MB: I have the art that conceals the art. You think it’s readable, but in actual fact it’s not. Not really. You can see the words, and you know what they say, but get to the end of the paragraph and are you any the wiser?
MB: I rest my case. Even though what you’ve written doesn’t really say anything, it’s vitally important that people think it does. Otherwise, why would they bother visiting your blog?
Me: A lot of your articles look like they were written by a piece of extremely basic software. And yet you tell me you don’t use a bot. Why not?
MB: Take a look at Twitter. Bots are readable. Some bots have thousands and thousands of followers. Right across Twitter, people are being educationally nourished by bots, and educational nourishment is precisely what you don’t want on a blog.
Me: I’ve never seen any bots on Twitter. Are you sure they’re not just a myth?
MB: You may be surprised. I’d be willing to bet that your favourite ever tweets were written by a simple bot, with a brain perhaps no greater in size than 1 kilobyte.
Me: The Speakmans are a simple bot with a 1 kilobyte brain?
MB: For legal reasons I’m going to avoid answering that. But the point is, bots can give people the answers they’re looking for. On a blog, that must be left to the advertisers. Don’t let a bot write your blog – it will prove too exciting, and too informative, and that will trash your revenue.
Me: So other than writing useless, unreadable drivel that basically implores all readers to click on the nearest escape route (conveniently provided by an affiliate marketing service), are there any other secrets of success?
MB: The effectiveness of the content will be dramatically increased if visitors are unable to actually find it, but other than that, no. Do everything I’ve just advised, and your blog will most definitely rock.
This article is for entertainment purposes only.