Ladies: How to Retain Your Man

Bob Leggitt | Tuesday, 9 August 2011 |

Finally, ladies, it’s the article you’ve been waiting for! You’re intelligent, attractive, and yet you can’t keep a man to save your life. How can this be? Well, I, Bob Leggitt, understand better than anyone what it is that makes a relationship untenable, and I would like to pass on this valuable info to any interested parties.

Please check out the following…

S + S = s
S – S = s
S x S = s

Does this mean anything to you?… Do you care about it?… No?… Excellent. Because the sensation you’re now experiencing (“I don’t understand that and even if I did I wouldn’t give two stuffs about it”) is exactly how a man feels, when you buy him a present. Yes, I’m afraid pathological present-buying is the single surefire route to losing your man.

Your man tells you he doesn’t want presents, and he means it. Unless it’s beer or porn, obviously. But let’s face it – you’re not gonna buy him beer or porn, are you? In fact, unless it is beer or porn, then to a man, it doesn’t even technically count as a present. That said, I’m going to assume the readership for this piece will be predominantly female, and accordingly, still refer to items other than beer and porn as presents. Let me now elaborate on the problem…

Firstly, when you give your man a present, he can’t simply put it where it belongs (i.e. in the bin) and get on with his life. If he does that, you’ll lock him in the porch and phone your mother. So instead he has to waste the next half hour unwrapping a completely unwanted gift (which he doesn’t even consider to be a present) and pretending it’s the best thing he’s ever seen. He will never get that time back. But that’s only a minor inconvenience compared with what’s to come…

Once you’ve bought him a present, your man is expected to go and buy something for you in return. This is the most tedious and depressing chore you could ever inflict upon him. Essentially, you’ve ruined his life. Now, all of this may have come as quite a shock, and if so I apologise for that. But I must warn you that it gets even worse. Please now breathe deeply, and perhaps, if possible, lie down, because what’s coming next will be about as hard to take as it gets…

XY2 + D x (AF - T) x big C + little c / W2 = big H
Big H x Z + little c / little h x V x G x (big C / Z) + little c

Yes, it is of course… Card-making, as it appears to a man.

When you present your man with a card you’ve spent a week making, he becomes mentally disorientated and, frankly, quite frightened. “Why has she done that?” He thinks. “I could have bought twenty of those in the pound shop for a quid, and they wouldn’t be daubed with glue, and the folds would be straight, and they’d actually fit in the envelope properly, and the poems would make sense… Oh my God – a price label! She’s paid four quid for this!!!… And then she’s spent a week putting it together???!!!… What’s wrong with her??????!!!!!!!”

Apologies for the overuse of punctuation, but we’re talking about a very, very shocked and disorientated man here. He’s had a card, for no reason, which you’ve spent a week making, and which isn't very good, when you could have gone to the pound shop and bought eighty professional ones for the same price. You have to admit, that is really, really difficult to make any sense of. Your man knows he can’t just drop the card into the bin, because if you find out he’s thrown it away his life won’t be worth living. So in this state of extreme shock you’ve enforced upon him, he wraps the card in a fish and chip paper, and puts it into a skip halfway down the road. But then the Met Office forecast a gale. Your man overlooked the risk of the card being blown back into public view by high winds, but after an extended weather bulletin he realises his mistake, retrieves the card, and buries it in the garden. But it now smells of fish, so the cat digs it up, brings it into the kitchen, and drops it at your feet. Let’s be honest: this relationship is now over. In your view, your man is completely unhinged because you’ve made him a card and he’s gone out and buried it in the garden. As we’ve seen, his take on the matter is entirely different.

So in future, before you selfishly go out and buy your man a present or make him a card, consider his feelings. Take my advice, and you may still be together this time next year.

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