The Job Advertisement Translator

Bob Leggitt | Monday, 16 January 2012 |

Welcome to the Planet Botch Job Advert Translator. Most jobs are abysmal, right?... So how come people apply for them? Well, it's because employers have mastered the art of language. They know how to say things without... well, without actually saying them. But fear not, because as always, Planet Botch is here to reveal the grim reality. Here's what it all really means...

Phrase: ‘Can do’ attitude required.
Means: Unpaid overtime.

Phrase: Desire to progress required.
Means: Manager’s job, assistant’s pay.

Phrase: Burning desire to progress required.
Means: Manager’s job, assistant’s pay, no breaks, unpaid overtime.

Phrase: Junior required.
Means: We need an easily-manipulated kid who's used to being bullied and who'll work on the cheap.

Phrase: Trainee Manager.
Means: Cleaner/errand boy.

Phrase: Trainee Assistant Deputy Manager.
Means: Toilet cleaner.

Phrase: A temporary position has arisen in our IT dept
Means: Our offices need cleaning but we're not paying for professional cleaners.

Phrase: Careers in the world of journalism!
Means: Paper rounds.

Phrase: Competitive salary.
Means: Minimum wage.

Phrase: Competitive salary, which includes bonus.
Means: Less than minimum wage.

Phrase: OTE.
Means: Halve this figure.

Phrase: No experience required!
Means: No one who's experienced this would ever consider doing it again.

Phrase: I'm a nice boss!
Means: Er... have you ever met anyone content to describe himself as a ‘nice boss’, who hasn’t subsequently ended up the subject of a nationwide police manhunt?

Phrase: Business opportunity!
Means: You take the risk, we take the money.

Phrase: Be your own boss!
Means: You take the risk, we take the money.

Phrase: Salary negotiable:
Means: An Unequal Opportunities employer.

Phrase: Male/Female:
Means: Women need not apply.

Phrase: Female/Male:
Means: Men need not apply.

Phrase: Realistic earnings – first year: £38,000.
Means: Realistic earnings – first year: £9,000.

Phrase: Exciting role for creative person
Means: Telesales.

Phrase: Are you a people person?
Means: Do you want low pay and compulsory weekend shifts?

Phrase: Exciting careers in finance.
Means: Debt recovery.

Phrase: Rewarding work!
Means: Wiping pensioners’ backsides.

Phrase: Do you relish a challenge?
Means: Would you like to have a nervous breakdown within three weeks?

Phrase: International company requires 50 people to start immediately. No selling!!:
Means: You won’t get out alive.

Phrase: Call this number 2 solve the mystery!
Means: If we tell you what this job involves we’ll go to prison.

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